Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Woe Is Me

Ok so because this is my blog and I write essentially to no one but myself, I am going to vent and feel sorry for myself now. Sometimes I'm just sad. I know, everyone is gloomy sometimes and we all have our days when we think, for the love of God, I want everyone to disappear and I want to snap my fingers and win the lottery and be magically planted on a beach. BUT sometimes I just feel like I try so hard being happy and grateful and easygoing that it makes me disappointed in myself when I DON'T feel that way. Does that make sense? Sometimes I build expectations of what I want my evening or weekend to be like, and as soon as its not, I'm grumpy. I know thats childish and selfish, so I immediately try and cover up this grumpiness and just try and be as easygoing and blase as possible, because I don't want to disappoint anyone. However, this backfires because I can't hide emotions quite well, so I end up being in a shitty mood. I was talking to my therapist about this, and she thought maybe because I am constantly trying to please other people while having my own expectations, its inevitable that theres going to be a clash. I also mentioned that I get frustrated sometimes because all week long I work at a desk, at a job that I do not find fulfilling or even gratifying really. Evenings and weekends are the only time I have to do something fulfilling and gratifying, but its usually spent on the couch or going out drinking. Sometimes I get really frustrated that those seem to be the only options anyone ever thinks about. I love wine and of course drinking at the bars is a good time, but I hate when it becomes the focus. I really don't like starting my Saturdays off drinking when I think there's so much more I'd rather be doing. Living in DC I want to explore everything. I used to make this very obvious and would constantly complain that "we never do anything" to the boy, but I've tried to ease up. However, I still hate that we don't really share any memories or activities together. I know weekends for most boys are most enjoyed playing video games and just hanging out, but I really hate it. I end up curled up on the couch and semi-napping the day away. This past weekend boy and I went to his university club to work out (he played squash and I went to the gym) and even though we weren't together it was SO nice GOING somewhere together. Sometimes I get worried that we really don't have much in common and if we're ever going to live together or anything, I'm going to be constantly annoyed that he doesn't want to go see a museum 10 minutes away, and he's going to be constantly annoyed that I'm not content just lounging around. I think half my problem is that when I build these expectations its because I see how many other couples go bike riding, or go on a little road trip for the afternoon, or even walk their dog together, and I realize we don't even do that. I know, I know, we DON'T live together, and every weekend I'm at his house with his roommates so even if we do make plans its usually shared with the gang. I love my DC family and everyone in our group relaly is a best friend, but I can't help but wish we had a few moments to ourselves doing something away from everyone. THe best times I've ever had with boy were on weekends at his lake house, just the two of us, or visiting Baltimore and exploring away from his house and family for the afternoon. I love when we go out to dinner (sans cell phone or tv over the shoulder) and just laugh and talk. I think one of my favorite memories is going to a pizza place by his lake house and playing a stupid game and drinking beers just because we laughed the whole time. I love him so much and I know I can be a huge pain in the ass, but I just wish we did more with each other. I really think he's the smartest person I know and he's my best friend and I want to share everything with him. I'm not saying he's not a good boyfriend or I think we're incompatable- he's a better boyfriend than I could ever ask for. He's gotten me more flowers for no reason than for occasions, he's constantly asking how my day is going, he supports me in all areas of my life, and he truly loves me more than anyone could. But I'm just going to feel sorry for myself now and hope we can do more together. I have a hard time expressing any of this because I don't want him to feel like he's at fault or to get irritated with me, so more often than not I don't say anything. I think I need to work on this, but I'm not sure how... Wow this post is long and winded and doesn't make much sense. I almost want to delete it, butI also think it helps to re-read how you felt at different moments in your life to reflect on them. SO I'm not in a particularly great mood today, but I stumbled upon a couple photos and clips that made me feel better. What's happier than puppies and watching soldier reunite with their families??

Happiness Means...
1. Coming home.

2. Peonies are still my favorite

3. This little guy

4. One day I'll be on a beach in Santorini... This is from a trip the boy's parents actually took:

5. These shoes. I would sell my soul. LOVE BHLDN shoes

By the way, those girls at the top are my best friends. This picture is from our reunion two weekends ago, and it makes me smile- everyone looks great! Goal is to print and post at my desk to brighten up even my gloomiest of days :)

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