Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Happy "New" Year

You can write a blog one of two ways: tell all or tell some. Some may argue that any censorship in a blog takes away from its authenticity... that by witholding some information you lose the reader. I agree that my favorite blogs to read are those that literally tell all and make no apologies for sharing intimate details or private matters with the entire world. I, however, must confess that I write this blog for me. A lot of people write to raise awareness, maybe gain a little internet celebrity, or share valuable information. I write this as a release. I started a diary in 6th grade and wrote my last entry the summer before college. I never missed a day. It's still one of my favorite things to read because I can literally see how much has changed and how much I've grown. My entries in 6th grade start out pretty simple, something like : "Today was sunny, wore Gap red sweater, LEI jeans and Steve Madden clogs- Maggie said she loved my outfit! Mom made meatloaf for dinner. Ew!!!!!!" I wrote each entry on a desktop calendar so the squares were small enough to jot down weather, outfit and dinner. By the end of my entries, I was writing in size 4 Font, scribbling on the edges and writing on the back, stapling private Instant Messenger conversations to the page and going into full details of every outfit so as not to make a fashion repeat (can you imagine?!). As much as I love reading these entries now, it almost got to be a chore at the time of writing them. Sometimes I dodn't feel like writing anything at all but I felt like I had to because i never missed a day before. So I stopped writing in my diary through college (and thank God- I don't think I'd like to read about how many Woodchuck Ciders I got drunk off or why I was crying in the dorm at 4AM because my boyfriend "just doesn't understand!!!"... some things are not worth remembering). I started writing sporadically again my Senior year and here and there after graduation, and finally here on this blog. I don't really consider this a diary because I don't tell all. I never intended to tell anyone that I was writing on here, not because I was anticipating writing about some things I'd rather my friends and family wouldn't read, but because it's sort of nice to keep things private to yourself. I think everyone has more secrets than you think they have. I once read in an interview with Anne Hathaway (who, by the way, every time there is mention of, I think of my sister telling me she looks like a cocker spaniel) that she felt there is too much publicity in everyone's life. Not just with the paparazzi or for celebrities, but she just said how people forget how important it is to keep some things literally to yourself sometimes. I have best friends and an amazing family, but there are some things that even though I know I can trust them or have no fears of being judged, I keep to myself. That being said, I've been going through a very difficult time over the past few months. Its not a secret to a lot of people, but its not one I'm willing to share on here. Anyway... for the past two months I've been struggling to get over something and even though its a giant step in the right direction and I have tons of support, every day is tough. This struggle has actually been for years, but for the first time over the past two months, I'm making actual progress. It's taking a lot of "self-coaching" and meditation, and honestly sometimes my brain is just exhausted. BUT the good news is that I'm doing the right thing, and I'm seeing just what a difference its making already. I'm sorry if this post is so vague, but as I said- some things are best kept secret. I was driving to work yesterday feeling particularly gloomy, and I zoned out seeking the radio station when I heard this song... I don't really listen to Christian music but this song really touched me. I've been really frustrated recently with praying and reading parts of my devotional Bible, trying to find answers and support for what I'm going through. It honestly feels like there is no God sometimes. Just when I was thinking all of this yesterday on my way to work, thsi song came on the radio and I started to cry. It was a perfect answer and I think it was God telling me not to worry, that he hears me. Not five minutes later, I got an email for a family friend who I haven't heard from in a while. He said he was leaving the gym and got into his car and immediately felt like he needed to pray for me. So he wrote this brief email saying he was thinking of me and whatever it is I'm going through, there is a God that is always there listening. Can you believe this?? Oh me of little faith.

Happiness Means...
1. Clean Sheets
2. Watching "When Harry Met Sally" in bed with boy for lots of laughs before bedtime
3. Doctors - my dad is officially ok!! They finished the stress test this morning, and the doctors said he needs to change his diet and exercise routine, but his arteries and heart are fine.
4. A letter from a friend
5. Goat cheese mmmm

Goal - Relax.

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